forward is forward

I have a picture of a turtle on my home screen on my phone. It is a green cartoon turtle and underneath, it says in cursive script, “your speed doesn’t matter, forward is forward.” As I typed that quote, I had to look a second and then third time because I have been under the impression that it said “progress is progress.” It has been the home screen on my phone for nearly 4 years, and I was quoting it wrong in my head. How did I miss the actual writing on the phone?

I have been thinking about small steps lately. I’ve been meditating on the idea that even small steps count. I am not very patient with small steps though. I want to move in big ways and feel accomplished. I want to fly and not crawl. I try to be grateful and grace-filled toward myself and where I am. But the voices from my past whisper to me that my worth comes from progress and big things. It is challenging for me to put those voices to bed and believe the picture that is on my home screen.

Even the way I misinterpreted the message speaks of productivity. Progress indicates activity & accomplishments. Forward is more about overall direction & movement. It is a subtle difference, but I hear Spirit whispering to me that this matters.

I am in a season of doctor visits and endless procedures, of processing new diagnoses and overwhelming information, and of making big, life-changing choices. Some days, steps are impossible. Some days, breathing is all I can do. Some days I am having to sleep off sedation from a procedure on my back. It is hard to make steps when my body and my mind are screaming for rest or silent spaces or centering prayer.

So what does the real message mean? What does it mean that, “your speed doesn’t matter, forward is forward?”

I think what Spirit might be saying is that these days of stillness and waiting count. Rest is moving me forward. Making decisions, large or small, is moving me forward. These procedures for back and neck pain are moving me forward. Tiny steps, even when they don’t feel like steps - and they definitely don’t feel like progress - do count. Perhaps I need a new definition, a new understanding, of what it means to move forward in these spaces.

I came to the computer today to write about the small steps I need to acknowledge. I wanted to use that home screen image to launch the idea. What I found instead is a gentle reminder that forward isn’t always active and productive in the ways it is usually defined. Sometimes forward means looking at the bigger picture and seeing the grace in all of the days and not just the busy or active ones.

So today, I am choosing to believe that I am moving forward. I am acknowledging that sometimes forward is found in being still and processing when everything around me and in me wants to push for productivity. Today I am grateful to have quiet spaces in a difficult season. Today I am honoring where my heart and my mind and my body are.