twenty five
This is a weird post for me. By the time you read it, the 8th will have come and gone. I will be on the downhill, back-end side of an emotional day. June 8 has been a significant date to me for my entire adult life. It was the day I got married - June 8, 1996. This year, we would have celebrated 25 years.
The last anniversary we celebrated together was number 20. We spent a couple of days in Walt Disney World - just the 2 of us. It was actually the first time since having kids that we had traveled alone together. And it was our last. He told me on that trip that we would go to Aulani for our 25th anniversary. Aulani is Disney’s private resort in Hawaii and one of my dream locations to visit. Who knows if we would have made that trip, but here I am at 25 and there is no spouse, no trip and nothing to celebrate. I have crossed a bridge I didn’t want to cross and found myself on the other side alone.
June 8 was always complicated. When we chose that date, we certainly didn’t consider the UMC calendar. Annual conference was always on or near our anniversary, and his attendance was required. We didn’t get to spend the actual day together very often. Celebrations were usually just a quick date night on whatever day he could manage. It was usually one of our only date nights in an average year. I asked each year for a monthly date night as part of my birthday gift in January, but it never really happened. So June 8 was usually bittersweet for me - feeling almost like an afterthought in many ways.
Since his death, June 8 has been even more complicated. There is feeling of heavy dread leading up to our anniversary, his birthday, his death date. The days were raw, visceral and overwhelming at first. I mourned for the life we lost, for my children, for the deeper sadness of what wasn’t. It is hard to explain unless you’ve lived it. Five years later, I can’t just let it slip by and not notice. My brain has June 8 engraved in its deepest places. But the pain is not as raw anymore. Now it is more a sad acknowledgment of what was and what will never be.
I just needed to acknowledge the day here in some way. I needed to voice the unspoken hopes and the grief that remains. There is so much growth and grace in my life, and I live in that grace every breath that I can. But this week, I’m paying compassionate attention to my heart, mind, and body.
Prioritize the date nights, the trips alone together, the special days that deserve to be marked. You will never regret that.
Be a listening ear and a loving presence for the ones you know who grieve a loss. Name it and remember with them whether it’s been 5 days, 5 years or 50 years. You don’t have to worry about bringing up something they have forgotten. You don’t have to be afraid of making them feel sad. The memory and the grief is always with them.They haven’t forgotten. You don’t have to fix the pain - just acknowledge it with them. They already know you can’t fix it. But they need you even if they can’t put those needs into words. Your presence and your steady love helps - I promise.