Wobbly Steps

Y’all, I am in this weird in-between space right now. Some things feel new and exciting - like restaurants reopening. But others still feel stuck: like the way I feel anxious sometimes when I walk into church with no mask on. We are coming out of Covid in many ways, and I am so grateful for that. But I also feel resistant to making new time- commitments. Honestly, for all of the months I wished for in-person connection, now I feel protective of my time at home alone. Am I just fickle? Or selfish with my time?

I’ve heard others hint at this feeling too though. We feel so happy to see restrictions lift, but we still feel nervous when we are in a crowd of people with no mask on. It feels like we are taking steps forward, but they are wobbly, unsure steps.

I remember when my boys started walking. They would concentrate very hard and wobble a few steps before collapsing to cries of joy and amazement from me - I just knew my children were the most remarkable walkers ever. They practiced over and over again - taking more and more steps at a time. In my family, we jokingly called this the “drunk uncle” stage. But I noticed something unusual happening: as much as they practiced their walking, if they really wanted to move fast, they dropped down and crawled like lightning. Crawling was a mastered skill, and they didn’t have to work so hard to get where they wanted.

I think we do this sometimes too. Sometimes what we are learning takes so much energy and brain power that we can only attend to it for so long before we need to take a step back. Sometimes the new places we are emerging take a lot of emotional courage, and we are not ready to jump in with both feet. I think it is really important to honor this need.

I am moving forward in a lot of ways. I am finding and trusting my voice. I am voting for myself in important ways. I am stepping into my calling. And sometimes I get really impatient and want to run ahead of my ability and stage. I have a hard time giving myself permission to go slow. I get a new insight or learn a new skill, and my brain rushes forward to all the ways I could fly. And really, I just need to take wobbly steps on the new skills and crawl fast on the old ones. Patience is not my best skill. But I am awfully stubborn.

I am trying to learn to take my time, to honor my limits, to be content with where I am. I often miss the grace and the peace when I try to rush forward and get where I think I should be. So in honor of where I am today, I want to celebrate the small wobbly steps by naming them.

We have finished the school year.

I completed my May intensive training for Metagem.

I made a choice that was really hard this week.

I have made it through 3 of 5 medical procedures to help my chronic back pain.

I led a song in worship this week that was really special to me.

I didn’t spiral out when a relationship situation didn’t go they way I thought it would.

I honored my commitments in a very busy and chaotic May.

I have to confess: it took me a really long time to come up with these small wins. They are just hard for me to see. But it matters that I keep working on this. It matters that I see my progress and don’t expect perfection. So tell me: what are your wobbly step wins this week? Let’s cheer one another on.