Looking for Grace

It is really easy to write as if I have it all together here. I am skilled in writing about my struggles in light of the lessons I am learning. Maybe it’s because I grew up a Southerner and we hang on to the steel magnolia mentality. Maybe it’s because I grew up in the church where it is easy to put on a fake smile and count my blessings. Maybe it’s just because I am a helper by nature, and I am sometimes afraid that having needs of my own is selfish. It is definitely wrapped up in my self image to be the one who takes care of others.

But here is my truth right now: the first half of 2021 has been hard. Like, really hard.

I have had more challenging seasons in my life. I have felt more desperate and more lost. It is so very easy to look back on those times, and to look at our world and tell myself, '“Suck it up Renae. You don’t have any right to complain because so many people have it much worse. You’ve lived through much worse.”

But I really despise the idea of comparing pain. There is no rating scale that says you can only feel frustration and overwhelm and sadness if you meet certain criteria. And also if the person next to you doesn’t have it worse than you. That is a lie that keeps me (and maybe you too) from processing our difficult emotions.

This spring I have dealt with some serious chronic pain. I feel like I have been in a revolving chamber where each door leads to a different doctor, a different medication, a different procedure. Our finances have been tight, and I don’t have an answer for how to change the situation. And my children have been in difficult places. I can’t fix what is challenging them, and I am struggling with parent guilt as a result. Surviving feels like a full time job again.

And I want to see the grace. I am looking for it - I really am. But it has been hard to find. It has taken so much energy and so much discipline to keep searching for it.

I have taken to writing down every tiny place I see it -

the hot cup of coffee Caleb brings me in the morning,

the way Cole likes to share his latest gaming conquest with me even though I have no idea what he is talking about,

the coffee nut m&m’s I found at Walgreens today,

the cooler days that have stretched spring out for us in Alabama,

the warmth of our puppy curled up beside me right now as I am writing this,

the harmonies and blend we achieve in praise team on Sunday morning that makes our worship extra special for me,

the quiet whisper of assurance that, even though I cannot still my mind in my centering prayer time, Spirit is still meeting me there.

I see grace in all of these places. But truthfully, right now, it is hard work to keep looking. And I guess that is okay. Maybe more than okay because I am building my grace seeking muscles. I am growing stronger even when I feel weaker. I don’t think grace seeking is like a Where’s Waldo endeavor. I think I am learning again that the grace is always there - we just have to notice it. It isn’t hard to find, but it is a discipline to look with clear eyes.

So maybe we can remind one another to keep our eyes open to the grace that is around us. I think that is part of what we are supposed to do as Christ followers - it is part of being in community. So here I am, being honest about how hard it is to see past the overwhelm. But I am also here saying that I am still looking for grace. Maybe we can look together. Where are you seeing grace today? Where do you most need to see grace today?