October
I have always loved October. The colors of changing leaves, the beginning of autumn, cool crisp mornings - it has always been an intoxicating mix for me.
My sweet nephew Jackson was born in October.
Twenty-twenty held a particularly sweet October for me. I wrote and published my first blog here one year ago on October 1. Writing is something I have always dreamt of doing, and this has been a safe space to share and celebrate the grace I see around me. I have grown so much by just sitting down and consistently showing up week after week in this place.
This year, October 1st will hold another milestone. I have been hinting at the transformation I am experiencing. I have known for a while now that God is preparing me to bloom in a new way. Honestly though, I have been afraid to say it out loud to anyone but my best friend, my therapist and my spiritual director.
And yet, here I am, showing up and saying yes. Let me share the story with you.
Psalm 136 has been a steady place for me during the last 5 years. It is a favorite because throughout this call and response liturgy of the Israelite people, the leader names the wonders and ways God has been present for them - and after each verse, the congregation responds by crying out, “God’s steadfast love endures forever.”
So let’s talk a little bit about this phrase: God’s steadfast love - the Hebrew word is HESED. Sometimes it’s translated as lovingkindness, mercy, goodness, and here in Psalm 136, as steadfast love.
The word HESED shows up 26 times in this psalm, and it is used all over in the Old Testament.
We see it when God shows Joseph faithful love while he was imprisoned. God speaks it over Moses when God gives Moses the 10 commandments. It shows up when God renews the covenant through David as God speaks through Nathan the prophet. HESED is used when Isaiah prophesies the coming of the Messiah from the lineage of David.
And after the city of Jerusalem fell and the temple was destroyed, Jeremiah wrote a poetic song of lament, praying for the deliverance of the kingdom of Judah. In it he calls on the hope of God’s HESED.
It is recorded in the book of Lamentations in chapter 3 verses 21-23, and it was the verse I clung to through much of my own story:
21 But this I call to mind,
and therefore I have hope:
22 The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases,
his mercies never come to an end;
23 they are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
Did you catch that? In Jeremiah’s deepest lament, he calls on hope in God’s steadfast love - God’s forever, unfailing love. That is why the Israelites - and I - needed to repeat it over and over again. Over and over until our minds have it memorized and the words are dwelling deep within us. So that when we encounter a deep valley, it comes to mind. We can easily recall God’s steadfast love because the words are etched on our heart.
I have been in church since before I was born. I grew up listening to my Pawpaw preach and seeing my Mawmaw practice God’s love in our little church in Roebuck. I heard it and sang it in my youth group in Center Point when I knelt and told God that I would serve in whatever way He asked. I taught it to my tiny children as a new mom singing over them in the quiet of nighttime feedings and in the days of no sleep. I remembered it and shared it with circles of women sharing their stories in the churches I served as a pastor’s wife in Alabama and Kentucky and Florida. And when the worst happened to me, when my husband died suddenly in March of 2017, though some days my mind couldn’t remember my own name, my heart remembered God’s steadfast love - and God was the anchor in my storm.
And since that undoing of my certainty, God has been renewing my understanding of HESED. I’d like to share some of those ways and moments with you here today. I want you to see God’s movement in my life because it is a testimony of HESED, but also because I want you to see God’s movement and HESED in your life too.
So a long long time ago in a galaxy far far away…
I was a new widow with 2 teenage sons and a shattered life. I had been a pastor’s wife and a homeschooling mom and a counselor for 20 years. But the sudden death of my husband left me without a spouse, without a sustainable income, without an identity in the church. And we were broken. In our brokenness and devastation, I cried my own lament: “God I can’t see you. My life has blown up and is shattered into a million billion pieces. I’m alone in the dark and I can’t put it all back together alone. Will you take these broken pieces and make something beautiful out of them?” The second I asked, the Holy Spirit very clearly planted in my mind the image of a mosaic, art created from broken pieces. And that was the image that I clung to during the long days and lonely nights that followed. It was my promise that God’s HESED would conquer the darkness, and it was my reminder to trust and hope when I could not see the light.
God’s steadfast love endures forever.
Fast forward two years. My boys and I were living in Montgomery Alabama. My boys and I had circled the wagons to grieve and to try and heal. I was learning how to be in church without being the pastor’s wife. I was in therapy processing my loss and also beginning to unravel the strange way that my family’s life behind closed doors didn’t look anything like the life that had been on social media or been preached from behind the pulpit. I was learning to use my voice and to hear God’s call more clearly. And I was tired of the wilderness places I had been wandering in for 2 years. The boys and I were in Birmingham staying with my parents for Thanksgiving in November of 2018. As I was walking the streets of their neighborhood one chilly evening, I very clearly heard Spirit say to me, “It is time. You are going to buy a house here and build a life here.” And so once again, I called on and trusted in the promise of HESED.
God’s steadfast love endures forever.
Fast forward another 9 months. My boys and I have moved and made a home in Moody. We are weary of visiting churches, and finding nothing that feels right. We have criteria for our non-negotiables: the church must be steeped in Wesleyan Methodism. The church must have a contemporary service. And the pastors must be compassionate, deep teachers. On a morning in August 2019 we walk into the Beacon at yet another UMC church - this time, Pell City First UMC. The pastors are doing a sermon series on John Wesley. They are both compassionate and deep teachers, and we worship in their contemporary service, Wide Open. As we leave worship that day, we all decide to visit again the next week.
God’s steadfast love endures forever.
Fast forward one more year. We are connected members now at Pell City First United Methodist. I am associate worship leader, singing harmony in Wide Open worship band. I am being mentored by Belinda; she sees something in me that I don’t yet see. I am teaching small groups and writing blogs. I am training to be a Spiritual Director. I am feeling restless because even with all of these fulfilling places, even with the emotional transformation I had been through, even with the new house and new life and a fulfilling ministry here, something is still missing. I sat with my own spiritual director one day and confessed (for the third time, or maybe it was the twelfth time) that I still was feeling a call that I couldn’t name. She smiled at me and said, “Renae, I think you already know.” In late August of this year, I entered the candidacy program to become a United Methodist pastor. Less than a week later, I was asked to preach at Cahaba UMC, and on October 1, I will be their pastor officially.
God’s steadfast love endures forever.
And so I have answered God’s call to me again in a new way. That little white church on Highway 119 is my church and those who worship inside are my people.
God has lovingly called me -the girl who wanted to be just like her MawMaw and marry a preacher. This young woman, who followed God’s call to Seminary and a degree in pastoral counseling. The young mom who sang Jesus over her children. This woman, widowed too young, who thought life was over. God lovingly called me to preach and teach and shepherd and walk alongside people. This is my story of God’s faithful love that is always transforming me, always calling me, always present with me.
God’s steadfast love endures forever.
The very essence of who God is - is steadfast love. HESED - we are covered by it, held up by it and called out by it.
Israel’s story. My story. And your story. All of history and each day of our lives is contained and sustained by the story of God’s steadfast love.