Imposter

Did you know that Maya Angelou, even after writing 11 books and winning numerous prestigious awards, couldn’t escape the nagging doubt that she hadn’t earned her accomplishments. And Albert Einstein experienced something similar. He described himself as an “involuntary swindler” whose work didn’t deserve the attention it got.

It is often called imposter syndrome - a persistent belief that you haven’t earned your seat at the table. I hit it hard when I started writing. It took me nearly 6 months of writing before I actually called myself a writer. It nearly crippled me in my first few months of spiritual direction training. So I had to practice calling myself a spiritual director. Well now I am finding myself in the muddy marshes of imposter syndrome again as I step into my new role as a pastor.

It’s not that I doubt my calling. I am 100% confident that God has called me to serve as a pastor. I don’t even doubt my abilities really. Obviously I have a lot to learn about doing this job, but that is not the same as my ability - that is God given. I am embodied by Spirit when I preach and teach, and that feeling of flow when I am working for God is evidence that Spirit is working through me.

So, I don’t doubt my calling. But sometimes, when I stand at the pulpit preparing for worship, and I imagine my Pawpaw doing the same thing in his pulpit, I feel like an 8 year old little girl playing “preacher.” I marvel at the fact that God is using me to speak words to people.

But let’s talk a bit more about imposter syndrome. It’s more common than you think. It has been experienced across gender, race, age, and a variety of occupations. It is not a disease or mental health disorder - and it’s not depression or anxiety. It plagues so many of us, and for the most part, it is simply part of being human.

Let me make one thing absolutely clear: This doesn’t erase the fact that there is also systemic bias and racism. There are (far too many)places where historical and cultural inequities exist. In those instances, it is not the bipoc, lgtbq, or any number of minorities that need fixing, rather it is the systems.

Each of us doubt ourselves privately, but we think we are alone because no one else voices their doubts.

Let me be clear: feeling like an imposter doesn’t make you an imposter. Most of us feel unsure or anxious when we begin new tasks or learn a new skill. That is called being human.

Oddly enough, the best way to combat imposter syndrome is to talk about it. We are afraid if we ask for feedback, our fears will be confirmed. And even when we receive positive feedback, sometimes it is hard to stop the feelings. What does help is hearing a mentor or a peer admit that they have struggled with feeling like an imposter too. It takes courage to take a risk. And also, the reward is worth it. When we have open conversations about the challenges we face, we all learn to be a bit more courageous.

You have talent. You are capable. You belong.