self compassion

Self compassion isn’t something that comes naturally to me. I have a very loud and opinionated inner critic. She thinks I should have unlimited energy and no needs. She has graciously accepted responsibility to shame me if I ever make a mistake. And she reminds me of every negative message I have ever heard. Now that I think about it, she is not a very nice houseguest.

In the last few years though, I’ve been doing the hard work of evicting her. It began with my therapist challenging my self talk in her office. As she kindly smiled and said, “Words make worlds, Renae,” I started to take note of the negative messages I so easily spouted to myself. I spoke to myself in ways that I would never speak to another human soul.

Then another mentor who believed in me came along and challenged my limiting beliefs and my unreasonable expectations of myself. Now I had two people that I trusted holding up a mirror to my true self and the toll my critical inner spirit was taking on my mental and spiritual health.

I began meditating during all of this, and the mindfulness I was learning helped me witness what was going on in my head, and notice my self talk as it was happening. I learned to slow down my monkey mind, which I realized was often my inner critic again, rattling off all of the ways life could cave in because of my inadequacies.

And then I read a book that took me a step further. It is by a trauma informed therapist named Aundi Kolber. The book is called Try Softer, and I am not an affiliate, just a reader who has been transformed by her work. The idea is the we learn in childhood to hustle and work harder in order to survive and be safe. Our coping mechanisms keep us safe when we are children, but as adults they hold us hostage to unhealthy patterns. We don’t tune in to our body and the messages it sends us when we are white knuckling our way through life. We spend a lifetime trying harder, but what would it look like to try softer?

Trying softer says we listen to our bodies. It says we recognize the impact our stories have on us. It calls us to give compassionate attention to ourselves and hush the inner critic inside.

When I am listening to my inner critic, I let the pain and impossible expectations build until I can’t carry it all any longer. My body is still healing from the result of ignoring myself, my pain, and my needs for so long. In her book, Aundi says:

A person who suffers a thousand paper cuts but is told those injuries are nothing is unlikely to ever stop to care for them. She may even assume that she is weak or lacks character as her pain mounts. At some point, however, her hand is likely to become infected, and she, too, will need to head to the emergency room. Whether the trauma is big or little, people find great relief when they receive validation that their wound needs care.

My therapist and my mentor, my mindfulness and Aundi’s book all validated my story and my wounds. They helped me find compassion for the person I am and the story I’ve lived. They have all taught me to try softer, which is really a way to say that I am leaning into self compassion.

For me, self compassion says I work to honor the way my experiences have shaped me. I pay attention to the biological responses my body has now because of those experiences of big and little trauma. I speak kindly to myself and remember to breathe. I recognize when the voice of my inner critic shows up. I am learning to cast away the constant people pleasing - I had that one down to an art. And I am learning to accurately assess what is going on around me and within me. They are actually two different things!

This one may be the hardest for me, but I am even learning to value my body. For so long I have internalized the belief that my body is worthless and bad. I have criticized it, starved it, ignored it, numbed it, and punished it. But our bodies matter. Aundi reminds us that our bodies are “telling stories about our joy and pain. And we are created to listen to their narrative.”

I am learning to listen to my body and not abandon myself. I am learning that my story is valid, and because it is laced with trauma and abuse, sometimes experiences are triggering to me even if I think I should be over it. I am learning to recognize my window of tolerance, and to give myself compassionate attention. I am learning to expect my progress to be slow and steady, rather than an all-at-once quick fix.

So I will leave you with something I still find really hard, but I absolutely need the practice. I will leave you with statements of affirmation that help ground me when I am feeling disconnected from myself because of overwhelm or self criticism. Practice them yourself today and see how they help you.

I am safe within myself.

I can set boundaries.

I am valuable.

I am good enough.

I am in process.

I am lovable.

And so are you.