Love and Hate

I have the bravest children in the world. I think it’s important that you know this. They have been through more in their respective 20 & 15 years than any human should have to endure.

They lived most of their lives in a spotlight that only a pastor’s kid can understand. Church members often believe that they get to have an opinion about how the pastor’s children dress, how they speak, and who their friends are. They are constantly held to a higher standard while living in a fishbowl where everyone can see them.

My boys have dealt with life altering diagnoses and learned to thrive.

They endured things behind closed doors that no one could imagine, given the image that was held up in social media and from the pulpit. Their stories were never as simple as they seemed.

When they were 16 and 11, their father died suddenly and unexpectedly. I watched them wrestle with a grief so profound and paralyzing that I feared we would all be swept away by it.

Over the past 4 years, we have all been in counseling. We have learned to communicate and be vulnerable. We have learned to trust our own voice. And every day I have been in awe of their courage and resilience. They are amazing, wise, and kind human beings.

Today I have the absolute privilege to hand over the keyboard to my oldest son Caleb. He has always known that when he was ready, he would be the one to share his story with this community.

He is being brave and vulnerable, and I am asking you to hear his heart and celebrate his voice. He is my world and I am honored to have him as a guest writer. Be kind, Grace Seekers. You hold his heart and his faith in your hands today.

These masks were designed and painted by my youngest son Cole.

Written by Caleb Perry, June 26, 2021

So for those of you who don’t know, June is Pride month for the LGBT+ community, which is where we celebrate how far we’ve come, and often acknowledge how far we have to go. This is a truly deep (and often difficult) place for so many. Gay marriage is an admittedly touchy subject, and everyone has an opinion. Some people affirm and support, others put down and say “it’s only a phase” or “God bless that poor soul.” For me, I can’t understand a God that would be so willing to cast away his beloved creations because of who they love. I grew up seeing and hearing a very one-sided view of faith: Gay people are sinful and going to hell. Now, often it wasn’t said that directly, but I have seen people that I love abandoned by the church, by people who claim to love them as family, and by a community that doesn’t stop to consider that maybe God’s love is infinitely bigger and more accepting than we could ever comprehend.

In the last few years, I have been on a long and often painful journey - that of discovering my true self. I used to have a very clear picture of who I was “supposed” to be. I was meant to be the perfect pastor’s kid, one who didn’t make “mistakes” and always had the right churchy answer. Truth be told, that’s not me. I make mistakes, and I don’t have the right answer, because often there isn't one. Life is rough and messy and that’s ok. Sometimes the only way to get around the mess is to go right through it. I’ve certainly had to wrestle with my own self-worth and acceptance of who I am to get to this point.

When you stop and listen, Spirit’s still, small voice says: Love. This is the ultimate endgame, nothing more, nothing less than love and acceptance. Spirit moves so that every single one of us could not just hear, but truly believe that they are loved and treasured and precious exactly how they are - no matter who they love, what gender, or pronouns they choose, or any of the dozens of other ways that people use to justify their bigotry or cruel comments.

I want to say to anyone who feels abandoned, alone, unlovable, or like a mistake: you are not. The angry crowd may be the loudest voices we hear, but no matter what they say, you are beloved. I spent my childhood being afraid of who I was, who I wanted to be, who I wanted to love. I know the exact things you feel and hear. I know firsthand how it feels to wonder: if I tell someone the truth, will they still love me? Will I still have a home? Will I be safe? If this feels familiar for you too, know that it gets better. You will find your people. You will find love and belonging. You will find a home. It won't be easy, but it will be worth it.

It has taken me an incredibly long time to get to the place where I can say and believe that I am both Bisexual and deeply loved and treasured by God. I have seen grace and love in the family that has come around me and through the people that I know accept and support me unconditionally. I have seen love and family in a way I've never known or had before. I know now what I couldn’t see before: we are ok to love who we love and we aren't broken or wrong. I want to share a quote that I absolutely love and has helped me through a lot in recent years. It is from a Captain Marvel comic issue written by Kelly Sue Deconnick.

We’ll get where we are going you and I, death and indignity be damned. We'll get there, and we will be the stars we were always meant to be.

Artist: Dexter Soy

This is Renae again:

Thanks for reading this far. I have readers on both sides of this issue. Please let me remind you that my son is not an issue. He is a human with real feelings and a real story. If you want to talk to me more, please email me or private message me on Facebook or DM me on Instagram. I also ask that no one presumes to guess and discuss what Caleb’s dad would have thought about who he is. That is not relevant or kind. If you are interested in hearing more stories of kids of faith who have wrestled through understanding who they are and how God feels about them, or if you’re a parent and you want your kids to feel safe sharing who they are, please listen to this podcast by Jen Hatmaker and her daughter Sidney.

Caleb and I would also like to share this link for a safe space to talk to a trained counselor 24/7. If you are a young person in crisis, feeling suicidal, or in need of a safe and judgment-free place the Trevor project is created for you. You are loved. You are not a mistake or a problem to be fixed. You are created perfectly in the image of God.