New Year

So, I have this love/hate relationship with change. There have been times in my life that I embraced a change as a new adventure and I walked willingly forward, ready to see what came next. There have also been times when I fought change with everything in me, kicking and screaming while I was dragged into the new arena.

This year, I was ready for 2021; ready to wave “buh bye” to 2020 and all that it represented. I don’t really like feeling that way though, because I’ve seen that life can change in an instant. I’ve had my world crash down on me in a new year, after wishing that the old one would just end already. This was my story in 2016, when life gave my family more changes than we thought we could handle.

That February 2016, I suffered a 4-day-long, complicated migraine that led to a stroke. 2 actually -  one was mild enough that I had no effects. The other left me with bi-lateral loss in the right hemisphere of my field of vision. That’s a fancy way of saying that I have a permanent blind spot on my right side. The vision loss made reading, driving, even walking in parking lots, so much harder. We prayed that whole year that my vision would return, but it didn’t. That blind spot is still a part of my story today. Late in that same year, one of my kids was diagnosed with celiac disease, on top of type one diabetes that he had been living with most of his life. We felt so beaten up that year, by life and hard circumstances, that we wished for the year to end. We just wanted it all behind us.

The year obviously did end, and we rejoiced to see it go. But in early March of 2017, my husband died suddenly and unexpectedly. That new year, the one I was so ready for, brought so much raw pain and grief that there were times that I thought we wouldn’t and couldn’t survive. 

So why am I telling you this story? Maybe for a couple of reasons. One reason is that I want to tell you to count each and every moment as precious and fleeting. We can never predict or know when everything will change. Life is beautiful, even when it is HARD, and I don’t want you to ever regret taking it for granted. 

The other reason I want you to hear my story is this: our human life is going to have easy days and hard ones, joyful years and really devastating ones. We aren’t promised a pain free life. That is just not how this human thing works. 

There is grace in all of it though. We have the choice to rise up after we get knocked down. We get to choose to keep looking for the beauty within the pain. It is there, I promise. 

Maybe your grace is simply the opportunity to love someone a few months longer. Maybe it’s seeing one more sunset or holding a sticky, chubby toddler hand while they wobble a few steps. Maybe it is simply knowing you aren’t alone in your sadness, even when you feel like you are. 

Beloved, God isn’t mad at us when difficulty befalls us. God doesn’t reward us with happiness or punish us with suffering. God loves us unendingly and more than we can imagine - both in the joy and in the pain. God’s presence is sure and steady. God’s love is true and persistent.

So, search for those moments of joy and hope. But also know that you are loved and seen in all your days - including the hard ones. Trust that when the world seems shaky, God is present and steadfast. You are loved. You are seen. You matter. 

Let’s move into this new year, savoring every moment, trusting in our belovedness, taking each day as it is, and giving ourselves grace in every moment.