Beloved

Valentines Day is this weekend. Truthfully, I’ve always rather dreaded this day. When I was a teenager & young adult, I felt lonely because I was never one of those girls who had a boyfriend or even a date on Valentines Day. After I married, it was never a day we really celebrate. It was referred to as one of those “fake holidays.”

Now, to be perfectly honest, I don’t love the overpriced roses and sappy cards. I realize those are signs of a culture obsessed with public shows of undying romantic love.

Since becoming a widow though, I’ve realized how fleeting life is and all the ways I want to tell the people I love how much they mean to me. 

And I need to hear that love from them too. I thrive on words. Words of affirmation is one of my primary love languages. I need to hear “I love you. You matter to me.” It reminds me that I’m not alone and that I’m important to someone.

Interestingly, this Valentines Day comes six weeks after choosing the word “beloved” as my word of the year. It’s a word I took on rather grudgingly - and maybe even skeptically.

But as Valentines Day approaches, knowing sappy pink & red sparkly gifts are not part of the weekend for me, I’ve looked deeper at what it means to be beloved. 

The dictionary defines beloved as “a much loved person or a dearly loved person.” Biblically, it is used in many New Testament epistles to imply more than human affection- a person who is very loved by God. And this is where I am dwelling. My word for the year is also a journey to learn to rest in the truth that I am a person dearly loved by God.

Truthfully, I’ve been hearing all my life that God loves me. Yet somehow, I have struggled to believe it. It’s not really hard to guess why Spirit whispered this word to me; and when I doubted and grumbled, She pressed in again, “your word to meditate on is beloved.”

I’ve already confessed that I need words of affirmation. I want words to reassure me that I’m loved. Sometimes I even use those words as a crutch to convince me when I’m doubting. But, as I’m meditating on my belovedness, I am hearing something deeper this year. In the 6 weeks that I’ve been leaning in to the word “beloved,” here is some of what I’ve experienced, and then heard in response:

My spiritual director recommended the book Psalms for Praying, which is a book of intimate retellings of each Psalm that are focused on being loved by God and then calling God my “Beloved.”

Renae, you are loved. You belong to me.

I’ve spent the last 8 months reading and rereading Psalm 139 asking Spirit for understanding and self compassion. My wisdom group recently chose to use Psalm 139 for our worship text next week in our Intensive - a Psalm marveling at the intimate personal love of God for us.

Renae, I love you intimately. I go behind and before you, my hand of blessing on your head.

I was drawn to experiment with prayer beads this winter as a way to focus as I am connecting with God.

Renae, you are loved and invited to be in communion with me.

Then I was asked to lead a Lenten small group using a book called (what else?!) “We are Beloved: A Lenten Journey with Protestant Prayer Beads” by Kristen E Vincent.

Renae, I love you and I want you to encourage others in their belovedness.

Oh, and my Metagem wisdom group wants to go through this book and Lenten experience together.

Renae, I am giving you companions for this journey.

Honestly, I can’t even begin to share all of the personal whispers and unmistakable signs I’ve seen that are related to this word and the way God loves me. And y’all, that’s just the first 6 weeks!

Spirit is moving and I am listening. 

I want to leave you with some of the beautiful words found in Psalm 139 from Nan Merrill’s book that I mentioned above. I pray it reminds you, as it does me, how dearly loved we are by the God who made us.

O my Beloved, You have searched me and known me!

You know when I sit down and when I rise up;

     You discern my innermost thoughts.

You find me on the journey and guide my steps;

     You know my strengths and my weaknesses.

Even before words rise up in prayer, 

     Lo, You have already heard my  heart call.

You encompass me with love where’er I go,

     and your strength is my shield.

Such sensitivity is too wonderful for me;

     It is high;  boundless gratitude is my soul’s response.

Psalms for Praying: An Invitation to Wholeness ~ Nan C. Merrill